"Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede."

The cat in Red Dwarf, responding to Dave Lister's alarmed "Hey guys, look at me body", quoted on www.shortlist.com/entertainment/tv/50-best-quotes-from-red-dwarf#gallery-14

"I find that a change of nuisances is as good as a vacation."

David Lloyd George, British Prime Minister (attributed, in reply to a question how he stayed cheerful, according to "Thought du jour" in "Social Studies" in Globe and Mail July 28, 2004)

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Top 20 Internet Tag Lines" in Gilbert! magazine Vol. 4 #8 (July/August 2001)

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
Ralph C. Maddocks (this from my "he's an extraordinary man" file of hidden insults - the original is Inspector Dreyfus re Clouseau in A Shot In The Dark)

"I sleep like a baby, too. Every two hours, I wake up screaming."

Then U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, re reports that President George W. Bush had slept like a baby in the runup to the Iraq war, quoted in Globe and Mail Nov. 16, 2004 (I swear I thought of this joke years earlier but Powell beat me into print and may himself have come up with the gag long before)

"If at first you don’t succeed, somebody will point it out to you."

"Real Life Adventures" cartoon in Ottawa Sun Oct. 4, 1999

"I don’t have a life, I have a life-style."

Dan Fielding on Night Court (I did not record the broadcast date)

"It’s okay to say what you think as long as you have thought."

Brent Dyment (an "honourable mention" in a readers’ "Thought du Jour" contest in Globe and Mail Nov. 29 2002)